That's my bike up there!!! Literally. Photo from Robert Caplan, for the New York Times. Yes, my bike was featured in the New York Times. About three years ago. So, why write about it now?
That bike is pure me. Scruffy and misleadingly disheveled, but loyal, dependable, tough and hard working. I keep it looking that way on purpose. See, I live in the South Bronx, and there are still plenty shady characters around. And they also have to make a living. One of them once told me: 'stealing bike tires, copper cables and ladders is a tough job, but someone's gotta do it, and that's me!' My bike has survived, chained in the sidewalk, for five years. It is chained with two super tough military grade nuclear hardened chains. But the two times I've been a lazy ass, and have used only one chain...ha ha ha, those fuckers: two back tires gone, 35$ a piece. They let me know that they are watching me. Keeping me sharp. Last time I almost got into a knife fight with a 400 pound lady -with nasty body odors and a worst dope habit- who I KNOW for a fact that took my tire.
That bike I use almost everyday to shop my veggies half a block away. Why not walk? Because I own a bike and I take it out for a ride as much as I can. That bike cost me 12 bucks. That's a bit more than my family's daily portion of vegetables. I bought it legally (right in front of the precinct) from an old Puerto Rican dude...I exchanged it, bartered it...gave him my old race bike, got this one.
Well, the point is that the other day I saw this brand new Dutch bike riding around my hood. Foreign person riding. I did my research because it happens that I've seen a few of those bikes around Tribeca (on my daily meditation walk)...those bitches start at 800$. I could buy 67 of my 12$-bike for that price. It also happens that they are the latest fad according to the NY Times, who is always on top of such urgent items. Dutch bikes are in?! Well, yes.
Dutch bikes are very heavy, making them a pain to handle in NYC's crowded spaces. They are slow and you know what NYC thinks about slow; they were designed for a city with no significant slopes (Amsterdam) and for commutes that average 10m. Long story short: they are not NYC friendly. Actually, they are a nuisance and plain dangerous on these streets, where bikes have to be supple and tough to rough it out with cars, pedestrians, buses, etc. But again, just as with Apple products, my beef is not with the poor bikes, it is with the stupid people on top of them.
When I saw that Dutch bike in my hood, I could only think that my bike: a) had been in the NY Times, b) offered me an excuse to yell to the 400 pound women to go fuck herself and that she was very ugly (a favorite line of attack in street confrontations, it always works!) in front of everybody. That incident cemented my reputation as a crazy unpredictable dude, and the creeps have been mostly friendly from then on. c) Is living proof of my philosophy: extend the life of what you have and tinker with it. d) was only 12$.
What was that person doing with a Dutch bike in the South Bronx? Was it an omen that more Amsterdamers are coming our way? I have been thinking about opening a bike shop if more Dutch bikes are needed....I will sell them for 1200$ a piece. I could buy 100 of my 12$-bike with that much cash. Customers will feel very European, and I will feel very South Bronxean. It is a tough job, but someone's gotta do it!
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